Mrs. April Fool

April fool's day crept up on me and when it finally came it caught me unawares. That was so upsetting. Not because I forgot the day per se, but rather because I missed the chance to plan an elaborate revenge for the prank my wife played on me two years ago.

A good April fool's day gag depends on one important factor – the hook; the reason why the gag is believable. Get a good hook going and you've got your sucker. And I got suckered. I got served. I got totally punk'd. My baby got me goooood.

When we were going out, I had some competition. Now for those who don't know… my girl is beautiful. And she's always had to deal with unwanted attention from all sorts of men. I said men. Not boys O… MEN! Men of all categories – single and married, rich and poor, students and businessmen, random guys and family links. It's the family links that caused one heartache

My girl's real close to her folks so their opinions really count with her. And as the daughter of the King of her village (yeah, I got me my very own princess), her folks kept dealing with suitors from far and near. Visitors came sometimes daily with all sorts of wines to ask for the princess' hand in marriage for some son, nephew or other male suitor. Imagine! Trying to beat a poor player at his game? For where!

Now I was aware that though her folks weren't the type to impose their choice, they would have liked at least one of their two daughters to marry an indigene of their village. Her older sis had gotten hitched "outside the villa" and yours truly is a black brother from across the big river and several states. So, to maintain my solid footing, my game plan was to make sure baby girl was feeling me above and beyond any so-called suitors. And that's how she got me.

Before this incident I had this image of a sweet, innocent pearl. Someone who enjoyed the occasional joke but nothing extreme y'know. I now know better, anyway this is what happened:

About 7pm my phone rings. It's my girl. Unusually, it's our first call for that day. Homeboy was a bit tight for cash so I was saving my little credit for some late-night phone love.

Me – Hello babe, what's up?

She – Hi, nothing much. I just came in.

Me – Really? From where?

She – Just around…

Me – Sounds boring

She – Boring? No O! In fact I had such a good time. I had a surprise visitor. Remember that our neighbor that I said told my mom that she wanted her nephew to marry me

Okay, now I pause. Is it a good thing to remember this or a bad thing to have slight memory loss? Anyhow sha…

Me – Yeah, what about her? She came around?

She – Not her? Him! The guy came to see me at school today.

My curiosity is piqued; guy what guy? Can't recall anything about this guy. Ok, feign interest.

Me – He did? Wow! From where?

She – Abuja. Actually he just came in from the U.S. and decided to check on me.

Me – You've never met him right?

She – No. this was the first time. He really tried finding the house. And he's so nice and funny! I could hardly stop laughing around him.

Ok, small alarm bell ringing. Does she think of me as funny? I suddenly can't remember. When last did I make her really laugh? I can't remember. She's paused. I'm telling myself: Boy! Speak! Say something… something funny!

Me – Maybe he should go into comedy.

Bad move I tell myself, you sound sarcastic.

She – As if you were there. I told him the same thing.

Now I'm feeling relaxed. After all, this clown may be funny, and everybody knows funny is important in getting the girl, but funny alone ain't enough. I decided to dig a little.

Me - Sounds like a nice guy, what's he like?

She – (slight pause) He was nothing like I expected. He's tall and fair and really good-looking.

Whoa! Hold up! I'm taller than my girl but she she's tall too so the taller the guy, the better. Plus I remember her telling me she had always planned to marry a fair-skinned guy. And me I no even do mistake fair small. Oya… just laugh small and keep digging.

Me – (chuckling) Really good-looking hehn? Is he taller than me?

Hope she doesn't notice I'm comparing.

She – I think so… yeah he is.

Crap!

Me – So where'd you guys go?

She – Dolphin

I start calculating… I've taken her there a few times. No panic. For a first time outing, e go hard them spend pass N2500. No wahala… I fit double am next time I reach. Oya… dig! Must get info!

Me – So after he stuffed you what next?

She – Nothing. We just drove back and he dropped me.

Ok… dude has a ride.

Me – Aah. Cool! What car does he drive?

She – Benz E-class

(Crap!)

Me – Really… he owns an E-class?

She – Yeah. He said he just bought it as he came back. It looked quite new.

(Double Crap!)

She – He said he could give me a ride back to the village if I want to go see my parents when we go on break.

Ok O! Alarm don blow! What do I say now?

Me – You sure you should go with him?

I was looking for shallow water here but it was only getting deeper. Stupid question. He's a family friend's nephew from the same village for God's sake. OF COURSE SHE SHOULD TAKE HIS OFFER OF A FREE RIDE HOME.

She – Of course. Free ride. Correct ride sef. You remember I told you how bad the roads are to my place.

Me - Yeah I remember.

She – And do you know the coolest thing he did? Even though he has money, he didn't try to show off by giving me money.

Hehn? Really? I didn't know before now. Fine naija babe that is more impressed when a rich bobo doesn't give her money? Ok baby, just wait let me show this guy first, then I go impress you die.

But men, this brother was broke and thinking furiously. Kai, I just have to erase this bobo's memory from her mind before she goes on break to gist momsie the "latest".

Oya… time for calculation. If I can borrow N5000 for snacks, a small gift should cost like N3000, a full tank N4000… wait O. E-class? I gats borrow car cause this my 1982 Honda one-door no go do.

She – So anyway, I have to go now, my credit's almost finished. Can you send me a recharge card?

Me – (barely listening) sure.

She – Ok. Goodnight.

Me – yeah, goodnight. Love you babe. Miss you like crazy.

Click!

Ok, sharply. For the next few minutes I was just strategizing. Call Emeka to borrow his car for an emergency trip this weekend. I no fit get E-class but that my guys new 207 no too bad now. Abi?

Then the phone rang. I check… it's my babe.

Me – Yeah babe?

She – APRIL FOOL!

Me – What?! (Then it sank in) WHAT?! You mean you…

She – HAHAHAHAHAHA… I got you!

Click!

And I've been looking for how to get revenge ever since. The good news is: this April fool married her eventually inspite of the real and imagined competitors. So what does that make her? LOL.