Margarine Juice

Just back from a trip to Abuja. Wow! Felt like I was in a furnace with no warning. We were driving around in a car with busted air-conditioning. Picture me in a jet-black suit with an invisible water faucet over my head. I had no warning.

Beg your pardon? The forecast?!

C’mon! No one trusts the weathermen in Nigeria anymore. You need a special decoder ring and a Gobbledygook/Fantasy-English dictionary to know what the weather will be. For example,
n. bright & sunny – blazing, searing heat
n. chance of rain – not a cloud for miles
n. light showers – stay home and brace for floods (abi Lagosians I lie?)

Anyway, I heard Minna was even hotter. (As if that’s possible! I thought to myself). Got home to Kaduna and called a friend in Minna. He confirmed the stories. In Minna I hear they purchase candles out of refrigerators! Want a cappuccino? Here’s a hot new Minna recipe:

Place half full cup of normal water on table. Add two teaspoons of coffee, some cream and sugar. Leave on pavement for five minutes.

Presto! One wickedly foaming cappuccino at your disposal. I also hear there’s a new culinary fad; margarine juice! Just leave a tub of Blue Band on the shelf in your crib for an hour. You can almost watch it go!

But seriously, even though it’s bloody hot there, it ain’t all bad. Crime’s down! I hear the devil got a weekend pass from his regular duties in Minna to go to hades to escape the heat. And we all know that when we catch a criminal in Naija, na devil cause am oga!

Peace!