Cyberspace and our unserious National Assembly

Cyberspace. When you hear the word "space", you immediately conjure up these images of sci-fi icons like Spock, Jean-Luc Picard and Bill Gates. Okay scratch Gates. But that only goes for those of you who actually use 21st century technology. The rest of us who struggle with what we've got think the guy is futuristic.

Despite the fact that I try to keep up with the rest of the world, I still seem to be living in the 1980s.

Oh I try. Believe me I try. I buy the latest equipment but I can't enjoy its full potential. In fact, I don't even know the full potential of most things I buy. Its a bit disconcerting.

Like when I accidentally pressed a side button on my nokia phone (I had always thought it was a funky little style feature that didn't do anything but look space-age) and the phone showed this little query "Activate push-to-talk?". Makes you feel really ignorant when your machine acts like that. By the way, what's "Push-To-Talk"?

So what am I complaining about? Nothing really! I mean why should I or any Nigerian have anything to complain about? Everything's perfectly alright here. Nothing is wrong here. Life's - good (as LG would say). Don't look to those so-called developed countries for any so-called benchmarks for excellence, what do they know about standards?

Who says we're supposed to have electricity 24/7? In an ideal world, power outtages should be the norm for a change of pace. Abi? And who told you your phone calls are supposed to go through and connect on the first try, every time?

And how would you know you had faced an emergency if help had come immediately you had called? Don't you also want to testify in your church or mosque of God's miraculous intervention?

And everybody in Naija knows that you are not supposed to browse the internet too quickly or you'll miss out on the wonderfully fulfilling experience of staring at the same webpage for ages while waiting for the next to download. How deliciously zen!

In case you didn't figure it out yet, I was being sarcastic. The ills of our nation are just too many to chronicle here and I quite frankly haven't got the time or patience to take on each sector one by one - who's going to pay me to do that anyway. But I will take on a few:

How come no-one seems to mind that the NCC is permitting Starcomms & Reltel to get away with charging us ridiculous amounts like about 80dollars a month for internet access at speeds of about 16kbits a second?

A similar company in Ghana offers over 400kbits/sec at the equivalent of 40Cedis (about $40 with the new Ghanaian currency denominations). That's 20 times the speed for half the price of Starcomms and Reltel. Never mind those ads, go to 2wire.com to do a free speed-test and see for yourself. They're lying to us.

How come we have this great big satellite in the sky and we're not using it? Yes I'm talking about the same NigComSat-1 that Engr. Ernest Ndukwe of the NCC told our senators was not legally allowed to operate and give you and me telephony, VOIP and data-transfer services.

The satellite also offers DTH Television, High Definition Broadcast facilities and the ability to find planes that crash (For more on what that baby was built to do, checkout www.nigcomsat.org)

NigComSat-1 during pre-launch tests at Xichang launch center, China

I think its a shame that we bought and installed a nice (and necessary) piece of gadgetry in our bit of outer space but we can't use it. Whoever heard of a person buying a TV and not watching it because it was incompatible with a wall-socket? That's just plain dumb... change the socket!

In the same vein, its dumb that our lawmakers haven't yet announced needed changes to our laws to accommodate NigComSat-1, like Engr Ndukwe was implying.

I wish I could hack into the National Assembly communications system and over-ride David Mark and Bankole's microphone to tell them this: I don't care if it was over-priced or if it cannot match the capabilities of the best communications satellites over the U.S., if I bought it then I WANNA USE IT!

$312million NigComSat-1 being launched into space

Down with PDP!

Oh wow man. I mean like WOW! They got me. Those old liars in the PDP got me good. I mean really, really good. I'm ashamed to admit I was got so good that I actually believed they were going to have a "free and fair" election of national officials into their own party. Since they couldn't even get that right, what does that say of the way they'll handle future elections since you can't give what you don't have?

Every indicator said it would likely be the same 'ol same 'ol stuff. But when Oga presido said everyone would have a level playing field I believed him. AIT had it live from about midday and there they all were in their ridiculous party aso ebi. The big dogs came in, took their seats and the proceedings began.

That's the last thing I recall 'cos I was busy on chatting with my friend Uju over in Jalingo. We had a blast for about four hours and in that time, while my back was turned, I got shafted. All Nigerians did.

Winners were declared without a single ballot being cast. And apparently President Yar'Adua took off to attend the funeral of the Emir of Katsina. Oh c'mon man, funeral or no funeral you should have been there if only so we could be justified in blaming you for the mess. After all like someone once said, let the dead bury their dead in other words: prioritize!

One more thing... I can't wait for these governors to go to jail already and stop messing with things everywhere. A bunch of them were marching around the whole place with their last minute choice stopping every few minutes to raise his hands and acknowledge cheers from their selected delegates. Check out the full report on Thisday.

Granted it was probably the best guy who got chosen considering the fact everyone saw frontfunner Sam Egwu as OBJ's boy and also that all hell would have broken loose if Anyim Pius Anyim had won (OBJ would have had kittens!) but still if those old men there could not have VOTED the best man in then what kind of democracy are we building.

It pains me to see old men lying openly so you can imagine the bile I had to choke down while listening to those of them who had the temerity to come on air to tell us that the consensus arrangement (or was it arrangee) was a sign that their party was a "matured party" or a "unified party" or some other load of bull. Argh! Somebody please line those guys up and flog them. Flog them all!

We had our hopes up and we got a bum deal! I feel like tearing up my dad's membership card. Forget these guys jo. Down with PDP!

P.S. In case you were actually interested, Ogbulafor won the PDP chairmanship (s)election.

From Eadris to Muma Gee

Now I'm not trying to come off as a snob or anything but I really do think I've got pretty good taste.

I can even make bold to say that I have on occasion been consulted for my advice on a variety of subjects from clothes to cars to movies, music and even people. Normally on those last two, I wouldn't necessarily stand up to be counted as a connoisseur but c'mon… even I can spot a really bad bet.

Remember when Eadris Abdulkarim came up with what he hoped would be his hit single "Jagga Jagga"? Talk about a backlash!

It was so bad that President Obasanjo trashed his song in public. Ouch! Thank God for SSS guys or Eadris would have caught 'Baba' at an airport to give him the 50cent treatment.

So anyway, after that well-intetioned song bombed, I never thought I'd hear a song miss it that badly again. But I did!

I just happened to catch this music show on TV where Mama Gee was performing. Now I was thinking it would be nice opportunity to finally hear her sing. I'd been missing her performances and if I'd ever heard her on the radio before this, I'd never known it was her.

She began her number and I was trying to enjoy it through NTAs bad live concert-to-TV sound production. It was tough going till she got to the chorus, which came through quite clearly.

(I go shak my moi-moi… I go share the national cake… I no go chop alone… you go chop, I go chop)

I couldn't believe it!

Let me clearly state here that I'm not a music critic. I'm just a listener... with a blog... who likes to call a spade a spade and not a big spoon.

I'd really like to believe that the message of that song is that government should not withhold good things from the populace; if that was her intention, then great.

But unfortunately what came across from the song is that Mama Gee will be a more generous politician. And that only means she'll be a bigger thief who will 'chop' and turn a blind eye to others who "chop"

Songs like Mama Gee's just show that some Nigerian artistes still don't understand that they have a vital part to play in giving our nation a much needed image makeover. And that charity begins at home.

Songs that give the impression of winking at our international reputation for crime and corruption don't help matters. Actually, Olu Maintain's song 'Yahoozee' falls into this category. (But at least, that was such a cool club jam that we all forgave him).

Unfortunately, the song uses that time-tested formula for getting a hit single on the Nigerian market. By repetitively using lines like 'shak my moi-moi' and 'you go chop, I go chop', Mama Gee may have a hit with a sad moral undertone.

Believe me the system works - remember Daddy Showkey? 'Make una clap for Dyna' Yeah I thought so.

Expected more from somone with her exposure but hey, we all mess up from time to time right. By the way, having seen the way Yar'adua is handling the Health Ministry scandal, one hopes he doesn't take offence at this song!

Nude Woman in Kano

The ancient trading city of Kano has been drawing the attention of the world press recently for the oddest things.

In one story a Pamela Anderson style sex video of one of Kano's top movie stars was making the rounds in the ancient city. In another, the state accused an international drug conglomerate (that makes them sound like a criminal cartel doesn't it?) of illegally testing unapproved drugs on its citizens.

This latest story is just sad. A row has erupted in Kano over the nude picture of a local female politician who was beaten to a pulp by member of the state house of assembly and his 10-man goon squad. The story hit the web about a week ago but the really sad part is that it was fuelled more by the controversy over the good taste (or lack thereof) of the press for releasing a picture (shown below) of the woman that showed "indecent" parts of her battered body than by the actual assault.

Now get this:

1. Hajia Habiba Garba, the lady in the picture, was followed around and harassed by youth loyal to one Alhaji Maderi who, sadly, is a member of the Kano House of Reps. His self-confessed reason? For "always going to the radio to castigate him and his associates". Well hello? Apparently this politician has never heard of freedom of speech. What a forward thinker.
2. Alhaji Maderi met her at the police station and had the audacity to beat her up there in full view of the cops there. In front of the POLICE.
   

Amazing! finally a politician stupid enough to do his own dirty work. Oh what a rarity! What a special guy. The arrogant twit should be put on display for other Nigerians to admire his IQ.

One wonders what the guy was thinking:

Maderi - Who does she think she is? Does she know who I am? I'm a member of the PDP. I'm a member of the state House of Reps. Nonsense! Shegiya! My boys will deal with her. Bloody woman.

Silly guy probably went there with a little money to smooth things over with the cops who tried to arrest his goons.

They should lock him up and forget the key. Throw him in the female prison for good measure; I hear they got some baad chicks there.

Election Tribunal Brouhahahahaha!

Watching CNN these days stirs up great feelings of admiration for America and its democracy. More so when I see the passion in the eyes of those involved. And I don't mean in the eyes of the politicians. No, I'm talking about the man or woman in the street.

They seem to get so into in the process don't they? They follow everything… the issues, the health of the candidates, the debates, the candidates' proclivities. EVERYTHING! They seem so involved, and that's far more than I can say for myself and a great number of my countrymen.

Now don't get me wrong. I registered to vote, I voted, I rejoiced when Yar'Adua won ('cos I voted Yar'Adua, not PDP); I even admit I monitored the delivery of judgment by the presidential election tribunal. Who didn't?

Lots of people listened to the verdict on their radios and watched proceedings live on their TVs. I listened on the car radio myself while on the move (although all I vividly recall is the laughter that greeted the citing of Bush vs. Gore during the delivery of the ruling). However to be perfectly frank it was curiosity more than any real sense of involvement that kept my mind drifting from my work to the Court of Appeal Abuja.

From the beginning of the entire process, we were made to feel more like spectators than participators. There was all the talk of anointing a successor etc. Some of us had to watch our favored candidates eat humble pie at Eagle Square during the PDP primary. Then there was the campaign process which only affected me on two occasions.

The first time was when I had to veer off the road to avoid being hit by a crazy okadaman screaming "Sai Buhari!"

And the second time was when I was stuck in traffic from Independence Way to Ahmadu Bello Stadium because 'Baba' had come to hold up the hand of a man I was already supporting. (Ah ah! Babaa, ok, vote Yar'Adua. We get it – you're preaching to the choir here!)
But through the whole time that the electioneering barely grazed us, the voting almost excluded us and the announcement of votes missed us totally (did you have light?) all we could do was sit and watch.

I had observed the numerous fallouts of the OBJ-Atiku wars, I had observed the PDP infighting, and I had observed Buhari's fight with everyone. So I was only continuing my assigned (or is it resigned role) in Nigerian Politics by curiously observing the election brouhaha.

It was funny though. The morning the verdict came, security forces were all over Abuja. And rumors were spreading that Yar'Adua was on his way out of office. I didn't believe it but I must confess that the detached fatalist in me was hoping he'd lose… just to see what would happen. But now that judgment maintains the status quo I guess I'll never know.

But I'll keep watching.