Blog all day… Blog all night

When I decided to become a blogger, I took note of some potential challenges to my new pastime: money for café visits being the chief one.

Then I got a laptop and found out I live within range of a commercial hotspot. Nice. Then I came to work with my new toy one day and found out our neighbors have a free Wi-Fi thing going for their staff. Nicer. So browsing money is no longer a problem, most times.

Blogging now has new challenges chief of which is the perennial (a foreign paper called it "perplexing") power problem called PHCN. Once the power goes, my time becomes limited to however long it takes me to wrap up my thought flow before the laptop yawns into darkness.

I'm also beginning to realize how much the power challenges influence my blog content.

Blogging in the darkness of my home at night brings out this guerrilla mentality. I feel like the underdog in a fight and sometimes, like an underdog, I feel like I'm losing.

So out comes the rage of the repressed and it fuels my righteous rage at any and all perceived injustices and abuse. It also fuels my expressions of pain and despair.

Switch on the power and suddenly, the world is a better place. I'm more likely to be optimistic and inclined to see the good that our leaders are doing. I'll connect with friends on Facebook, chat with a buddy across the globe and say a prayer for world peace. Ok not quite world peace, but you get the picture.

Simply put, I realize that my worldview sometimes depends on whether I sit in darkness or light and on whether my air-conditioner is contributing heat or chilling the room. I only wish we Nigerians at home would realize that this is probably true of many of us Nigerians at home. If we understood this, then we Nigerians at home would also realize that it is up to all of us Nigerians at home to face our respective responsibilities and make this a better country.

Can you guess my mood right now? Here's a hint… my air-conditioner is on but it's struggling.

(Honestly, just 5 minutes later, while proof-reading this post, PHCN took the light!)

Mrs. April Fool

April fool's day crept up on me and when it finally came it caught me unawares. That was so upsetting. Not because I forgot the day per se, but rather because I missed the chance to plan an elaborate revenge for the prank my wife played on me two years ago.

A good April fool's day gag depends on one important factor – the hook; the reason why the gag is believable. Get a good hook going and you've got your sucker. And I got suckered. I got served. I got totally punk'd. My baby got me goooood.

When we were going out, I had some competition. Now for those who don't know… my girl is beautiful. And she's always had to deal with unwanted attention from all sorts of men. I said men. Not boys O… MEN! Men of all categories – single and married, rich and poor, students and businessmen, random guys and family links. It's the family links that caused one heartache

My girl's real close to her folks so their opinions really count with her. And as the daughter of the King of her village (yeah, I got me my very own princess), her folks kept dealing with suitors from far and near. Visitors came sometimes daily with all sorts of wines to ask for the princess' hand in marriage for some son, nephew or other male suitor. Imagine! Trying to beat a poor player at his game? For where!

Now I was aware that though her folks weren't the type to impose their choice, they would have liked at least one of their two daughters to marry an indigene of their village. Her older sis had gotten hitched "outside the villa" and yours truly is a black brother from across the big river and several states. So, to maintain my solid footing, my game plan was to make sure baby girl was feeling me above and beyond any so-called suitors. And that's how she got me.

Before this incident I had this image of a sweet, innocent pearl. Someone who enjoyed the occasional joke but nothing extreme y'know. I now know better, anyway this is what happened:

About 7pm my phone rings. It's my girl. Unusually, it's our first call for that day. Homeboy was a bit tight for cash so I was saving my little credit for some late-night phone love.

Me – Hello babe, what's up?

She – Hi, nothing much. I just came in.

Me – Really? From where?

She – Just around…

Me – Sounds boring

She – Boring? No O! In fact I had such a good time. I had a surprise visitor. Remember that our neighbor that I said told my mom that she wanted her nephew to marry me

Okay, now I pause. Is it a good thing to remember this or a bad thing to have slight memory loss? Anyhow sha…

Me – Yeah, what about her? She came around?

She – Not her? Him! The guy came to see me at school today.

My curiosity is piqued; guy what guy? Can't recall anything about this guy. Ok, feign interest.

Me – He did? Wow! From where?

She – Abuja. Actually he just came in from the U.S. and decided to check on me.

Me – You've never met him right?

She – No. this was the first time. He really tried finding the house. And he's so nice and funny! I could hardly stop laughing around him.

Ok, small alarm bell ringing. Does she think of me as funny? I suddenly can't remember. When last did I make her really laugh? I can't remember. She's paused. I'm telling myself: Boy! Speak! Say something… something funny!

Me – Maybe he should go into comedy.

Bad move I tell myself, you sound sarcastic.

She – As if you were there. I told him the same thing.

Now I'm feeling relaxed. After all, this clown may be funny, and everybody knows funny is important in getting the girl, but funny alone ain't enough. I decided to dig a little.

Me - Sounds like a nice guy, what's he like?

She – (slight pause) He was nothing like I expected. He's tall and fair and really good-looking.

Whoa! Hold up! I'm taller than my girl but she she's tall too so the taller the guy, the better. Plus I remember her telling me she had always planned to marry a fair-skinned guy. And me I no even do mistake fair small. Oya… just laugh small and keep digging.

Me – (chuckling) Really good-looking hehn? Is he taller than me?

Hope she doesn't notice I'm comparing.

She – I think so… yeah he is.

Crap!

Me – So where'd you guys go?

She – Dolphin

I start calculating… I've taken her there a few times. No panic. For a first time outing, e go hard them spend pass N2500. No wahala… I fit double am next time I reach. Oya… dig! Must get info!

Me – So after he stuffed you what next?

She – Nothing. We just drove back and he dropped me.

Ok… dude has a ride.

Me – Aah. Cool! What car does he drive?

She – Benz E-class

(Crap!)

Me – Really… he owns an E-class?

She – Yeah. He said he just bought it as he came back. It looked quite new.

(Double Crap!)

She – He said he could give me a ride back to the village if I want to go see my parents when we go on break.

Ok O! Alarm don blow! What do I say now?

Me – You sure you should go with him?

I was looking for shallow water here but it was only getting deeper. Stupid question. He's a family friend's nephew from the same village for God's sake. OF COURSE SHE SHOULD TAKE HIS OFFER OF A FREE RIDE HOME.

She – Of course. Free ride. Correct ride sef. You remember I told you how bad the roads are to my place.

Me - Yeah I remember.

She – And do you know the coolest thing he did? Even though he has money, he didn't try to show off by giving me money.

Hehn? Really? I didn't know before now. Fine naija babe that is more impressed when a rich bobo doesn't give her money? Ok baby, just wait let me show this guy first, then I go impress you die.

But men, this brother was broke and thinking furiously. Kai, I just have to erase this bobo's memory from her mind before she goes on break to gist momsie the "latest".

Oya… time for calculation. If I can borrow N5000 for snacks, a small gift should cost like N3000, a full tank N4000… wait O. E-class? I gats borrow car cause this my 1982 Honda one-door no go do.

She – So anyway, I have to go now, my credit's almost finished. Can you send me a recharge card?

Me – (barely listening) sure.

She – Ok. Goodnight.

Me – yeah, goodnight. Love you babe. Miss you like crazy.

Click!

Ok, sharply. For the next few minutes I was just strategizing. Call Emeka to borrow his car for an emergency trip this weekend. I no fit get E-class but that my guys new 207 no too bad now. Abi?

Then the phone rang. I check… it's my babe.

Me – Yeah babe?

She – APRIL FOOL!

Me – What?! (Then it sank in) WHAT?! You mean you…

She – HAHAHAHAHAHA… I got you!

Click!

And I've been looking for how to get revenge ever since. The good news is: this April fool married her eventually inspite of the real and imagined competitors. So what does that make her? LOL.

To all my Ass’nal Peeps

On my way to work this morning a BMW 5 series was driving a bit erratically ahead of me. The dude was moving slowly when he should have moved fast and moving side to side so I couldn't pass him. I dragged on behind fuming – I was late enough already.

BMW was moving with all the characteristics of a guy with a lot on his mind and believe me, you don't want your wheels anywhere near such a fellow's car.

I remember when my brother faced off with one such chap last year. My bro was stuck in traffic heading down constitution road when all the cars in front of him slowed rather suddenly and he had to stand on his brakes to avoid a crash. But the guy behind just ran into him like the line was still moving. Lil bro came down, looked over the car, and waited for the guy to say something. You know how we do it in Naija - no "oyibo repete", just fix am.

Anyway, the dude who hit him steps out of the car looking quite dazed. My bro tried to engage the guy in meaningful discussion but it was hopeless – the man was only physically present. It took the other two passengers in the car to explain to my bro that the guy's wife had jus miscarried their twins. In fact, the little corpses were in the boot of the car (I've wondered about that ever since I heard this tale), neither of them with him could drive so he had to drive himself in this traumatic time etc, etc.

Well, my brother is human and was extremely sympathetic but still, the car was not his and he didn't have the cheese to fix it before the owner saw it. Anyway to summarize this digression the guy paid and my car has had a strange gait ever since.

I know it's a strange tale but that's what my brother said happened. Although to be frank, lil bro could have backed the car into a fence cause he was eyeballing some chick. I guess I'll never know.

So anyway, not wanting a similar scenario, I gave BMW a wide berth – who knew whether the guy had lost twins too. That's when I noticed the Arsenal FC sticker on the back of his car.

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

I couldn't help it, I burst into laughter. An ass'nal fan! After the Gunners loss yesterday to Liverpool, no wonder he was miserable. I eventually got past him and reached the office. Now I was looking for the ass'nal fans among my colleagues. There they were, somewhat muted, but there nonetheless. One fellow had his head in his hands as though he had a headache.

Sorry o! I said to him and he immediately launched into an angry tirade about the referee, Senderos, the foolishness of leaving Cesc Fabregas alone to mark the sturdier Ryan Babel and the need to overhaul the defenses of the team.

I ached to tease and taunt him but I couldn't bear to do so lest ManYoo be jinxed.

As I went upstairs to my own office, I realized BMW had really lost twins – first the Premiers League and the Champions League. Sorry O eyin ara Ass'nal.

Cyberspace and our unserious National Assembly

Cyberspace. When you hear the word "space", you immediately conjure up these images of sci-fi icons like Spock, Jean-Luc Picard and Bill Gates. Okay scratch Gates. But that only goes for those of you who actually use 21st century technology. The rest of us who struggle with what we've got think the guy is futuristic.

Despite the fact that I try to keep up with the rest of the world, I still seem to be living in the 1980s.

Oh I try. Believe me I try. I buy the latest equipment but I can't enjoy its full potential. In fact, I don't even know the full potential of most things I buy. Its a bit disconcerting.

Like when I accidentally pressed a side button on my nokia phone (I had always thought it was a funky little style feature that didn't do anything but look space-age) and the phone showed this little query "Activate push-to-talk?". Makes you feel really ignorant when your machine acts like that. By the way, what's "Push-To-Talk"?

So what am I complaining about? Nothing really! I mean why should I or any Nigerian have anything to complain about? Everything's perfectly alright here. Nothing is wrong here. Life's - good (as LG would say). Don't look to those so-called developed countries for any so-called benchmarks for excellence, what do they know about standards?

Who says we're supposed to have electricity 24/7? In an ideal world, power outtages should be the norm for a change of pace. Abi? And who told you your phone calls are supposed to go through and connect on the first try, every time?

And how would you know you had faced an emergency if help had come immediately you had called? Don't you also want to testify in your church or mosque of God's miraculous intervention?

And everybody in Naija knows that you are not supposed to browse the internet too quickly or you'll miss out on the wonderfully fulfilling experience of staring at the same webpage for ages while waiting for the next to download. How deliciously zen!

In case you didn't figure it out yet, I was being sarcastic. The ills of our nation are just too many to chronicle here and I quite frankly haven't got the time or patience to take on each sector one by one - who's going to pay me to do that anyway. But I will take on a few:

How come no-one seems to mind that the NCC is permitting Starcomms & Reltel to get away with charging us ridiculous amounts like about 80dollars a month for internet access at speeds of about 16kbits a second?

A similar company in Ghana offers over 400kbits/sec at the equivalent of 40Cedis (about $40 with the new Ghanaian currency denominations). That's 20 times the speed for half the price of Starcomms and Reltel. Never mind those ads, go to 2wire.com to do a free speed-test and see for yourself. They're lying to us.

How come we have this great big satellite in the sky and we're not using it? Yes I'm talking about the same NigComSat-1 that Engr. Ernest Ndukwe of the NCC told our senators was not legally allowed to operate and give you and me telephony, VOIP and data-transfer services.

The satellite also offers DTH Television, High Definition Broadcast facilities and the ability to find planes that crash (For more on what that baby was built to do, checkout www.nigcomsat.org)

NigComSat-1 during pre-launch tests at Xichang launch center, China

I think its a shame that we bought and installed a nice (and necessary) piece of gadgetry in our bit of outer space but we can't use it. Whoever heard of a person buying a TV and not watching it because it was incompatible with a wall-socket? That's just plain dumb... change the socket!

In the same vein, its dumb that our lawmakers haven't yet announced needed changes to our laws to accommodate NigComSat-1, like Engr Ndukwe was implying.

I wish I could hack into the National Assembly communications system and over-ride David Mark and Bankole's microphone to tell them this: I don't care if it was over-priced or if it cannot match the capabilities of the best communications satellites over the U.S., if I bought it then I WANNA USE IT!

$312million NigComSat-1 being launched into space

Down with PDP!

Oh wow man. I mean like WOW! They got me. Those old liars in the PDP got me good. I mean really, really good. I'm ashamed to admit I was got so good that I actually believed they were going to have a "free and fair" election of national officials into their own party. Since they couldn't even get that right, what does that say of the way they'll handle future elections since you can't give what you don't have?

Every indicator said it would likely be the same 'ol same 'ol stuff. But when Oga presido said everyone would have a level playing field I believed him. AIT had it live from about midday and there they all were in their ridiculous party aso ebi. The big dogs came in, took their seats and the proceedings began.

That's the last thing I recall 'cos I was busy on chatting with my friend Uju over in Jalingo. We had a blast for about four hours and in that time, while my back was turned, I got shafted. All Nigerians did.

Winners were declared without a single ballot being cast. And apparently President Yar'Adua took off to attend the funeral of the Emir of Katsina. Oh c'mon man, funeral or no funeral you should have been there if only so we could be justified in blaming you for the mess. After all like someone once said, let the dead bury their dead in other words: prioritize!

One more thing... I can't wait for these governors to go to jail already and stop messing with things everywhere. A bunch of them were marching around the whole place with their last minute choice stopping every few minutes to raise his hands and acknowledge cheers from their selected delegates. Check out the full report on Thisday.

Granted it was probably the best guy who got chosen considering the fact everyone saw frontfunner Sam Egwu as OBJ's boy and also that all hell would have broken loose if Anyim Pius Anyim had won (OBJ would have had kittens!) but still if those old men there could not have VOTED the best man in then what kind of democracy are we building.

It pains me to see old men lying openly so you can imagine the bile I had to choke down while listening to those of them who had the temerity to come on air to tell us that the consensus arrangement (or was it arrangee) was a sign that their party was a "matured party" or a "unified party" or some other load of bull. Argh! Somebody please line those guys up and flog them. Flog them all!

We had our hopes up and we got a bum deal! I feel like tearing up my dad's membership card. Forget these guys jo. Down with PDP!

P.S. In case you were actually interested, Ogbulafor won the PDP chairmanship (s)election.